This is a short sketch that I wrote in my Level 2 Writing Class @ Second City in Chicago. It is a Center and Eccentrics (pardon the irony) scene based on an experience I once had at a hot tub in the Carolinas (can't remember which one). More to come. Enjoy:
OPEN ON BAR SETUP. JIM, THE BARTENDER IS CLEANING SOME GLASSES WHILE BREE WIPES DOWN THE BAR. A BOY, LAWRENCE, WALKS IN STAGE LEFT AND UP TO JIM AT THE BAR.
JIM
Welcome to Lucky Jim’s, Chicago’s
most accomodating bar. I’m Jim, how
can I serve ya today?
LAWRENCE
I’ll have an... uhh... let’s see...
a daiquiri, please.
JIM
Alright, let me see some ID please.
LAWRENCE reaches into his back pocket and produces his ID for JIM. JIM inspects it closely.
JIM
Ah, Lawrence Finn.
LAWRENCE
Yes sir.
JIM
Why, Larry, it’s your 21st
birthday! AND you’re from Texas?!
Well, congratulations, kid. Glad
that you chose good-ole Chicago to
come up North to and celebrate your
special day.
LAWRENCE
It’s actually Lawrence, and I’m
just in town on some business and
this seemed like a nice bar.
JIM
Oh, well, don’t worry pardner,
we’ll take care of you on your
special day. First drink’s on me.
What’ll you have?
LAWRENCE
Oh, well thanks. I think I’ll stick
with the daiquiri.
JIM
(laughs)
No no no, son. A big, strong Texan
like you needs a man’s drink. How
about some whiskey?
LAWRENCE
A daiquiri will be fine.
JIM
A shot of tequila?
LAWRENCE
A daiquiri, please.
JIM
Margarrrrrrita?
LAWRENCE
Alright, I guess a Strawberry
Margarita will do.
JIM
There ya go, pardner!
JIM makes him the drink.
JIM
BREE! Get over here, ya little
philly! This birthday boy here’s
from Tejas!
LAWRENCE
Tejas?
BREE saunters over to LAWRENCE.
BREE
No shit? Well, duke, welcome to the
most accommodating bar in Chicago.
Where’s your horse, stud? I hope
you tied it up tight, parts around
here are a little rougher than you
might think.
LAWRENCE
I actually took a Cab.
JIM
What color horse is that?
LAWRENCE
Uhm, it’s a car. I don’t actually
own a horse.
BREE
That’s alright, Larry, I’m sure
it’s safe out there. I’ll make sure
y’all are taken care of, y’all.
2.
JIM
Yeah, y’all be real y’all good,
y’all.
LAWRENCE
Why do you keep doing that?
BREE
Doin’ y’all what, stud y’all?
LAWRENCE
Nevermind.
LAWRENCE sips from his Margarita, trying to be polite, yet ignoring their quirks. BREE walks over to stage right and starts fiddling with a jukebox.
JIM
Good idea, gurl! Let’s git er done!
BREE
Howsabouts this, y’all?
The jukebox begins playing “God Bless Texas”. JIM and BREE both stare earnestly at LAWRENCE who is drinking his drink and not paying attention. He stops and looks at both of them.
LAWRENCE
Uhm, I guess it’s alright?
BREE
Good, ‘cause I turned it on to a
loop, y’all.
JIM
WOOWEE! Boy, I love me some country
music!
LAWRENCE
Yeah, it’s not bad.
BREE
And steak!
LAWRENCE
That’s always good.
JIM
And beatin’ up colored people!
LAWRENCE
Wait, what?!
3.
BREE
Let’s line dance, Larry!
BREE grabs hold of LAWRENCE’s arm and pulls him out. JIM runs out and joins them. LAWRENCE is not really into the dancing.
LAWRENCE
Uhm, I’m not really comfortable...
BREE
Well, if y’all are plum tired, we
can set up a little bed of hay in
the corner. We take care of our
customers here at Jim’s, the most–
JIM walks to the back.
LAWRENCE
–accommodating bar in Chicago,
right. Uhm, no, really. I’ve got
work tomorrow morning, I should
really go.
BREE
But y’all can’t leave before we
play some Hold ‘em.
LAWRENCE
Surprisingly, I don’t know how to
play that. Look, I really
appreciate the drink, and you all
really are the most accommodating
bar in Chicago. I’m heading back to
my hotel.
LAWRENCE gets up as JIM comes out with a bunch of hay.
JIM
Oh, well, thanks for stoppin’ by,
pardner!
BREE
Y’all come back now, y’hear!
JIM and BREE wave wildly as LAWRENCE slowly backs out of the bar. As he leaves, another boy, HANS, comes in.
JIM
Ah, welcome to Lucky Jim’s,
Chicago’s most accommodating bar.
I’m Jim, how can I serve ya today?
4.
HANS
Ah, hello. I am Hans and I am
visiting this lovely city from
Germany–
JIM
Ah, Deutschland! I love
Deutschland!
BREE
Ja!
JIM
I love polka!
BREE
Schnitzel!
JIM
And strudel!
BREE
Farfetnugen!
JIM
And killin’ Jews!
BLACKOUT
5.
Posts
2 comments:
At first I was having difficulty understanding why the Chicago people were talkin' with them thick accents and stuff. But the concept clicked, the sketch actually had a strong ending (most sketches don't have an ending period), and I could see how it would be funny with the right players. I commend you on the work. And by the way, I think some people go through a lot of shoes, some people go through a lot of books, but you go through blog titles like Bea Arthur and cigarettes. Seriously, there's been like 11.
Haha, thanks Kevin. And, yeah, I know. I was trying really hard to figure out what I wanted to maintain the blog "as" and I finally just settled on work/life-related potpourri. So, sorry for the mixups, this should be it.
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