1960s Batman Villain Rules

After watching a lot of Adam West's Batman, I finally put together some rules for Super Villains to help them better defeat their Super Heroes (or, in the case of Batman, non-Super Heroes). I am not responsible for what any Super Villain may do with the following. Enjoy.

1. Instead of hiding behind something and laughing maniacally while my underlings fight the mortal hero, I will simply step aside and shoot him. If one of my underlings somehow gets pushed into the way, I will just continue to shoot, instead of stopping to make a quip, letting the hero hide behind something physically bullet proof. Hopefully, my minions will get the picture and get out of the way of my gun.

2. When I am going against a mega powered hero, and I posses nothing but simple guns, I will not go to public places where a man that LOOKS like the super hero is, and discuss my secret plan where I assume is out of his ear shot. I will conduct business in a sound proof room 50 feet below ground.

3. My super villain idiom will never contain the word "the", if it does, then I will subsequently change it to something more menacing and less catchy

4. If I have been defeated by a super hero who is seemingly immune to my power, I will not continue to attempt to fight the same hero with the same power but in a different way. In the end, it's still the same plan.

5. No matter how dead the hero seems, I will always go with a gun and check his pulse to make sure, not just leave the hero lying there and discuss my next plan before going out and doing it.

6. Knock out gas just isn't as effective as it used to be.

7. I will merely shoot the hero upon first meeting him, rather than place him in a very elaborate killing mechanism. Though it may pertain to keeping my idiom's scheme, it's just not inescapebly sound.

8. My female accomplice will always end up falling in love with the hero and turn me over. I must accept this and either kill her right after she has lost usefulness, or never acquire one to begin with.

9. My secret hideout will never be an abandoned place that has some sort of sneaky connection with my criminal idiom.

10. I will never commit a crime in broad daylight. It's too easy to be seen, and hiding is nearly impossible.

11. I will never acquire a secret hideout with windows. If a non super powered burgular can easily access them undetected, so can the super hero trying to stop me. If I must have windows so that my hideout can have good lighting, they will be one way and never left open.

12. Instead of telling the hero my lengthy secret origin, I will begin telling him, then part way through pull out my secret "destructo-device" and destroy him. That way I get to gloat AND get the element of surprise.

13. If the hero is tied up and seems to be moving his arms rapidly behind his back, I will automatically assume that he has a knife, and shoot him.

14. Actually, I will never tie up the hero, just shoot him.

15. If the hero has a sidekick, and he keeps making glances at the sidekick while they are tied up, if I ever feel the need to do so, I will assume that they are either planning a surprise duo attack, or one of them has broken through the bonds.

16. My secret identity must never be something that can be traced to my villain identity. (I.E. being Destructor and having a secret identity of D. Structor)

17. I should never make my trap for the super hero completely and utterly obvious. If they already know that it's a trap, it's not a trap.

18. Reverse psychology never works.

19. I will always carry a tape recorder. When the hero speaks, I will record it and then run a check with recordings of all of the major influential people in town.

20. If there's a direct line to the hero, I will call him and tell him to come at once. When he does (even if he knows that I am the villain, he will come out of curiosity) I will shoot him.

21. I will never assume the hero dead, even if I saw him die. I will always assume that he will show up at the last moment and keep in constant fear, and he never will.

22. I will never give my minions shirts that say their minion code names and then send them undercover to catch the hero.

23. Though in the beginning, it may seem amusing to leave clues for the hero so that I might feel cunning in outwitting him, in the end I will only curse myself for being stupid.

24. If the hero is always seen with the butler of an influential member of the city, I should automatically assume that the butler's master is the hero, or at least knows him.

25. I should never allow the hero to know that he caught me by surprise, instead, I should pretend like I always expected him and always carry a gun just to reinforce my lie.

26. If I ever tie up the hero and must leave him alone in a room, never leave any sharp objects lying about. Though, I never will tie him up. (see #14)